Short Fiction Story Rough Draft

For those who may be interested, this is the rough draft of my bank robber story that I posted on D2L a couple of days ago. It's slightly over four pages, meaning that was as much as I wrote then. I have completed the story, but I'll turn it in before I post that version if I do post it. I have fixed some stuff between this draft and the completed story. The premise is this: four white trash guys hate their lives, want to better their situation, and decide to rob a bank. Basically, what I'm aiming for in terms of audience opinion is for the reader to read it and find it enjoyable enough to finish. Once the reader finishes, he/she will hopefully think to themselves, "Huh, that didn't entirely suck," and go about their lives, free to forget about the story.

Without further ado, here is the rough draft:

John Harvin: Bankrobber

By Dan Crisler

            Nowadays, John Harvin spends his days in a federal penitentiary.  He was accused and convicted of murdering an innocent bystander in a bank robbery gone wrong.  Harvin was certainly guilty of this, of course, but he was not the sole perpetrator. It was supposed to be a bank robbery with little fuss.  Go in, scare a few people, take the money, and leave. No one was supposed to get hurt.  And no one was supposed to recognize them.  It didn’t turn out that way.

            Before John Harvin became a fugitive, he was a simple white man living an unremarkable life.  He was uneducated past the eighth grade, and he made relatively small wages working in a factory in Cairo, Illinois, a small, poor town at the junction of the Mississippi and the Ohio rivers.

John Harvin and his friends, Bubba, Chuck, and Bobby, were the definition of blue-collar.  They lived in cheap, one-story houses with junk covering their lawns.  They worked at a box factory and spent what little they had on booze at their favorite bar, Larry’s. Larry’s was a favorite among the lower class because it provided cheap booze and let their customers say anything with no condemnations.

Bubba was just like John, meaning he also completed the eighth grade, thought “I ain’t book smart, so why the hell am I wasting my time here?” and dropped out.  Such a decision doomed him to a future of unfulfilling work.

Chuck managed to complete high school, although he had to cheat to get through it.  He got a degree and went to tech school.  However, without having the connections to cheat to a degree, he dropped out and went back to Cairo. He spent the days holding on to his job at the box factory.

Bobby also was a high school dropout.  However, he did not drop out because of grades.  Rather, he brought a knife to school and pulled it on a guy who was hitting on Bobby’s girlfriend. Bobby was summoned to the principal, who gave him a choice. Either Bobby could drop out or face police action.  Knowing that he could not risk seeing the police again for the third time in four years, Bobby decided to drop out and join his friends at the factory.

Bobby was the violent one of the group.  During and after his school experience, he was always involved in crimes ranging from petty theft and vandalism to assault and battery. His last altercation was six months ago.

Back to the present, the four guys complained about how their lives turned out. They did this every week at the bar once they achieved their drunken haze brought upon by the whisky mixed with Coke.  Usually, they blamed society for failing them. In previous weeks for the past twenty years, it was harmless. Just poor guys blowing off steam, most folks figured.  Except for Bobby, whose friends usually contained.

This week, Bobby was even crazier than usual.  When the rest of the gang started to begin complaining once again, Bobby interjected, “I’m tired of us bitching every week about our problems.  Rather than continuing this, why don’t we do something about it?”

“Like what?” Bubba questioned.  “We ain’t smart enough to get out of this hole, so what choice do we have?”

“Get better jobs?” Chuck proposed.

“Ain’t smart enough to get better jobs,” John retorted.

“Well, what then?” Chuck replied.

“Guys, I have a better idea to make money than finding other jobs, but it involves doing something illegal,” said Bobby.

The rest of the gang felt uneasy about this.  Even though they may have been broke and bitter, they certainly weren’t criminals.  Other than Bobby, the most John, Chuck, and Bubba have done was be involved in a fight, and the police declared they were acting in self-defense. But they were broke and society certainly was not going to help them. In fact, society disdained them. So, after initial protest, they decided to hear Bobby out.

“What do you propose we do, start dealing meth?” John asked.

“Selling moonshine?” Chuck proposed.

“No, we’re going to rob a bank.” Bobby answered casually.

The guys were taken aback by this answer. A mix of “Whoa’s” and shocked gasps exited from their mouths.

John was the first to recover from this bombshell, “Okay Bobby, I know that you don’t always follow the rules <didn’t finish from here on in time before class last Tuesday>